My Stephen Colbert Interview

Hasn't happened and probably never will, but if I did, here's how it might go.


“Stephen, you are a Roman Catholic, are you not?”

“Yes, I am.”

“And a central tenant of Roman Catholicism is the belief in transubstantiation, that the consecrated host and wine become the literal body and blood of Jesus of Nazareth. Since you first embraced cannibalism, have you eaten anyone else besides Christ Jesus?”

“Not that I'm aware of, but some of the food at Denny's makes me wonder.”

“I'm assuming that you admire Jesus, so wouldn't it make more sense to eat his enemies? It was Jesus, after all, who said, 'Love thine enemy,' so couldn't he have meant, 'Love thine enemies as you love Kobe beef?'”

“I think Kobe beef was a little after his time, so maybe he would have gone for fatted calf, or generic veil, which would be fine because he was into organic. No factory farming in Judea.”

“Ah, but those archaeologists may yet surprise us.”

“Yes, especially if they eat at Denny's.”

“Two part question: since Catholicism also endorses the Trinity, one would imagine that consuming the flesh and blood of God would be the culinary highlight of the day, so is it appropriate to begin with an appetizer? And if so, why in the several masses I've attended have I never seen a menu? I mean, is there a special section in the hymnal or something?”

“This line of questioning is making me hungry.”

“Me too. You want to skip out to the cathedral and grab a Jesus wrap? We can get it to go if your in rush. Actually, that brings up another question. Why no drive throughs?”

“The Church is going to put those in, and I hear they're going to accept E-ZPass. It's just so much more convenient that way.”

"Most people deplore canabalism, or at least pretend to while inviting the neighbors over for dinner, so does it ever surprise you that there aren't protests outside each mass? People carrying signs that read, 'He died for our sins, not our stomachs' while chanting, 'Don't chew that Jew!'"

"I've always found, 'He's full of grace so stuff your face,' a more effective motto. When I was a kid I liked 'Emmanuel tastes really swell' but that's so pre-Vatican II."

"Is Christ-meat kosher?"

"Also grade A, and possibly Angus."

“Final question. Let's say I wanted to become a Roman Catholic so that I too could savor the savior, but I'm also health conscious. Where could I find nutritional information? Shouldn't that be posted in the back of the weekly bulletin or something?”

"It is. It's just in Latin. But don't worry. Jesus contains zero grams of trans fat."